Nick
In Remembrance
....
Jokes
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Nick
In Remembrance
.....
Nick
In Remembrance
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he noted.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest.
"Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady.
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest.
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well," said the lady, "he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest.
"Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady.
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest.
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well," said the lady, "he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
Nick
In Remembrance
Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 2015. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 2015. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."
U.S. Navy Commander was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the commander decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Lt. Commander chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Lieutenant said it was 50%-50%.
A LTJG responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the commander turned to the Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The commander was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the commander decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Lt. Commander chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Lieutenant said it was 50%-50%.
A LTJG responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the commander turned to the Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The commander was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
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Nick
In Remembrance
1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they're holding a gun, she's probably ticked off!
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,523 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. A note to paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they're holding a gun, she's probably ticked off!
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,523 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. A note to paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
Guys I need help, In the middle of an argument my wife said I was right, and I don't know what to do next ?
She lied.
....
Reminds me of when my sister got us a Wii Fit for Christmas one year. At the time my brother was over 300lbs. He stepped on the board, it weighed him and the little high-pitched narration voice said "OW!" and then the text on the screen told him he was too heavy and to please get off.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
Once upon a time there lived a King who had the most beautiful daughter.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. It did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.
The Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking???
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
Metal
Wood
Stone
Anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt some thing very hard. She held it in her hand. It did not melt!!!
The King was over joyed. Everybody in the kingdom was over joyed.
The Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What on earth were you thinking???
I DO WORRY ABOUT YOU AT TIMES!
fishing
LOL! I'll have to show that to some friends. They'll love it!
A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasnt even born."
"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasnt even born."
salad
Nick
In Remembrance
....
yabba
