Jokes

[Nick]

Thought I would share a little levity....


A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at the neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation.
And, if you want to, bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

sign

 

[Floorist]

or my Marine friends from a friend:
Women aboard ship
Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired..
"How much for a season pass?"

 

[Floorist]

One evening while dining with my friend Mike, he spotted a lovely woman across the room dining with another .

After about 45 minutes he worked up the courage to go over and introduce himself.

He said Hi: I'm mike and was wondering if you ladies might be interested in some conversation tonight, Indicating me across the room.

Immediately at the top of her voice his lady yells, No We would not be interested in a wild romp through your petunias!

Struck dumb, Mike returned to our table thoroughly embarrassed.

Ten minutes later his choice shows up and apologizes, saying that she and her friend are psychologists studying how people react in embarrassing situations, and she and friend would love to talk a while.

He immediately yells, What do you mean $250.00 each

 

[Floorist]

Hang on to any Minnesota quarters you may get in change. They may be worth MUCH MORE than 25 cents!



The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Minnesota quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin-operated devices.



The problem lies in the unique makeup of the Minnesota quarter, which was designed by a couple of Norwegian specialists, Sven and Ole. Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

 

[Nick]

...

 

[Floorist]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.





She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re one hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and once more he approached the lady with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are one hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”

He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh!”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

 

[Nick]

...lol

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Floorist]

Must be photoshopped. That copter could not lift his fat a**.

 

[Nick]

.....

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine.

 

[Floorist]

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

[Floorist]

If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today?

One answer: “People possess a device in their pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man.

And use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”

 

[Floorist]

The Shortest Books Ever Written

The Book of Virtue by Bill Clinton

My Plan to Find the Real Killers by OJ Simpson

Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

America's Most Popular Lawyers

Everything Men Know About Women

Everything Women Know About Men

The Amish Phone Book

Complete Guide to Arab Democracies

UNIX Made Easy

List Of Rap Songs With Positive Messages

Mormon Divorce Lawyers

My Life in Baseball - by Michael Jordan

Why Public School Is Good For *Your* Child, by Chelsea Clinton

My Achievements as an Elected Official by Jesse Jackson

Conservative Democrats by Maxine Waters

The Joy of Sex by Hillary Clinton

How I served my country by Jane Fonda

Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

Things I Love About Hillary by Bill Clinton

My Accomplishments as President by Barrack Obama

Fun Travel Guide to Chicago by Rahm Emanuel

 

[Floorist]

'Modern Day Noah’s Ark'

In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America, and said…



"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."



He gave Noah the blueprints, saying…



"You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard.... but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed.

- I needed a building permit.

- I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

- My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.

- We had to go to VCAT for a decision.

- Then the electricity companies demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.

- I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem.

- There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.

As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.



So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked…



"You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."