Jokes

[Floorist]

Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with Lorraine.

However, a beautiful young lady, named Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well. As time went by, Wee Hughie realized that he was in love with Clearly and that the love was reciprocated.

Being a gentleman, he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine, he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.

He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.


And this is what he sang.....


"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."

 

[Floorist]

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

 

[Floorist]

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary.





After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled Trump.







“ A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place.” begged Hillary.





“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary.” replied President Trump.

 

[Floorist]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!. And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[zannej]

I was in Lowes with my mother and she was leading the way in her riding cart and chose an aisle to go down. As we were moseying along (Lowes' riding carts are not very fast) she made a comment about being blinded. I looked around and realized we were in the blinds section. LOL!

 

[Nick]

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[Floorist]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he noted.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest.

"Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady.

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest.

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well," said the lady, "he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."

 

[Nick]

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his
fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll
see what I can do."


Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."


The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the
fingers? It's 2015. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of
incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and
made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"


Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

 

[Floorist]

U.S. Navy Commander was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the commander decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Lt. Commander chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Lieutenant said it was 50%-50%.
A LTJG responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the commander turned to the Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.
The commander was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
God Bless the enlisted man.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they're holding a gun, she's probably ticked off!
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,523 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
9. A note to paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers; If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

Guys I need help, In the middle of an argument my wife said I was right, and I don't know what to do next ?

 

[Floorist]

Guys I need help, In the middle of an argument my wife said I was right, and I don't know what to do next ?

She lied.