Jokes

[Nick]

Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."

She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"

Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town.
After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away.
The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers Big Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

A JOB FOR ME

A retired man went into the Job Center in Woodbury, and saw a card advertising for a



Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk



pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.



You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash

their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently do the shave. Then rub in

soothing oils so they are ready for the gynecologist’s examination. The annual salary is

$75,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana.


“Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir... that's where the end of the line is right now."

 

[Nick]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm

going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned

with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man,

but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation

briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving,

Fred replied; "The balcony".......

 

[zannej]

In Guam, the native people are called Chamorros. Some of them have a reputation for being a bit slow-- these ones get called "Chamorons". The ones that aren't slow like to tell this joke:

A Chamoron was hired to paint fresh lines on Marine Drive after it got sandblasted off by a typhoon. The first day he did really well and painted a long distance. The second day he only painted about half, and the third day he painted half of that. The supervisor was confused so he called him over and asked him why he was doing less work each day. The Chamoron answered "The paint bucket keeps getting farther away".

 

[Floorist]

Wee Hughie adored and loved his girlfriend, Lorraine, to whom he was engaged to be married. Wedding plans were well underway and he was looking forward to spending the rest of his life with Lorraine.

However, a beautiful young lady, named Clearly, came to work in his glen and they found that they got on together very well. As time went by, Wee Hughie realized that he was in love with Clearly and that the love was reciprocated.

Being a gentleman, he decided that as he had promised to marry Lorraine, he would do so and steadily removed himself from his other relationship.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the River Tay. As they walked, Lorraine slipped and fell into the river and was swept away and drowned.

He stood on the bank for a few minutes feeling very sad before walking away singing happily.


And this is what he sang.....


"I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."

 

[Floorist]

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

 

[Floorist]

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed Hillary.





After some cajoling, the president’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled Trump.







“ A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place.” begged Hillary.





“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary.” replied President Trump.

 

[Floorist]

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!. And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

.....

 

[Nick]

....

 

[zannej]

I was in Lowes with my mother and she was leading the way in her riding cart and chose an aisle to go down. As we were moseying along (Lowes' riding carts are not very fast) she made a comment about being blinded. I looked around and realized we were in the blinds section. LOL!

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."