Reminds me of that frisky old granny cartoon in Play Boy 30 years ago.
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Nick
In Remembrance
30 years ago. I'm not borrowing any money from you !
Reminds me of that frisky old granny cartoon in Play Boy 30 years ago.
Which one was that. I have them all from 1964 to last year when they made the change last year. I quit the magazine and now they changed it back and want me back.
Daris
The Don Martin cartoons were my favorite.
Nick
In Remembrance
Never saw them , I only read the articles .
Nick
In Remembrance
....
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Nick
In Remembrance
A middle aged couple in Cherry Grove, Alberta had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, Belinda, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garter snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it warmed up, it slithered out very quietly and went exploring for bugs. Belinda happened to see it snake its way under the sofa. She screamed and none to silently either. Arnold, was in the shower after a long day of welding. He was just beginning to relax and feel comfortable when he heard the scream. He came running into the living room naked as a jay bird and flopping quite obsenely. He was feeling vulnerable but he was here to rescue the day. Belina was hysterical and was not making much sense but he got the part about he snake under the couch. Arnold wasn't into snakes but he was the man here (which was quite obvious at the moment).
Dripping wet and a bit cold, he got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look. He was fully expecting to see a fairly big snake all coiled up and waiting for his nakedness to appear. About that time, Woofie, the romantic Lab, the family dog, snuck up behind him and cold-nosed him. In his mind he knew the snake had bitten him. It happened so suddenly he yelled and jumped forward smacking his head on the end table. Arnold was out cold and Belinda thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, and called an ambulance.
The ambulance arrived just as he was coming to. The attendants rushed in and while ignoring his protests, loaded him onto a stretcher. Just as they started carrying him out in all his embarrassed splendor, the snake made a new appearance and came out from under the sofa. The Emergency Medical Technician saw it by her boot. She jumped and dropped her end of the stretcher. That's how Arnold broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
Belinda still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on Gordon, a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He knew all about snakes apparently. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told her so. She sat down on the sofa inrelief. While she was relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions. Suddenly the snake was wriggling against the back of her hand. She screamed and fainted. The snake rushed back under the sofa.Gordon saw she had passed out. He decided she needed CPR to revive her. Gordon's wife, Sherie, had heard about the excitement from another neighbor and came over to help her husband. She arrived just in time to see her husband's mouth on Belindas lips. She slammed Gordie in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where he needed stitches.
The noise woke Belinda from her faint. She saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She ran to the kitchen, phoned 911 and got a small bottle of whiskey. Shouldering her inexplicably belligerant neighbor aside, she began pouring some of the whiskey down Gordon's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Take a Breath Here......They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all. Belinda explained about the how this had happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away Gordon and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa trying to make a run for it. One of the policemen was startled and drew his gun and fired. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered. It started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of Woofie, the family dog. Woofie, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. Belinda asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
Dripping wet and a bit cold, he got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look. He was fully expecting to see a fairly big snake all coiled up and waiting for his nakedness to appear. About that time, Woofie, the romantic Lab, the family dog, snuck up behind him and cold-nosed him. In his mind he knew the snake had bitten him. It happened so suddenly he yelled and jumped forward smacking his head on the end table. Arnold was out cold and Belinda thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, and called an ambulance.
The ambulance arrived just as he was coming to. The attendants rushed in and while ignoring his protests, loaded him onto a stretcher. Just as they started carrying him out in all his embarrassed splendor, the snake made a new appearance and came out from under the sofa. The Emergency Medical Technician saw it by her boot. She jumped and dropped her end of the stretcher. That's how Arnold broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
Belinda still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on Gordon, a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He knew all about snakes apparently. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told her so. She sat down on the sofa inrelief. While she was relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions. Suddenly the snake was wriggling against the back of her hand. She screamed and fainted. The snake rushed back under the sofa.Gordon saw she had passed out. He decided she needed CPR to revive her. Gordon's wife, Sherie, had heard about the excitement from another neighbor and came over to help her husband. She arrived just in time to see her husband's mouth on Belindas lips. She slammed Gordie in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods,knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where he needed stitches.
The noise woke Belinda from her faint. She saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She ran to the kitchen, phoned 911 and got a small bottle of whiskey. Shouldering her inexplicably belligerant neighbor aside, she began pouring some of the whiskey down Gordon's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Take a Breath Here......They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all. Belinda explained about the how this had happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away Gordon and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa trying to make a run for it. One of the policemen was startled and drew his gun and fired. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered. It started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of Woofie, the family dog. Woofie, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. Belinda asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that's when he shot her.
True story: When I used to play the game EverQuest, I got some little headset thing that let me give verbal commands. I could use give specific things like sit or stand or I could say the number of a hotkey. One day one of my group members pulled too many orcs and then they wondered why my character sat down.
The little green snake reminded me that my paternal grandmother used to have a little pet ribbon snake that she would wrap around her wrist and wear like a bracelet. It used to freak out the other teachers when she brought it to work, but she thought it was cool.
The little green snake reminded me that my paternal grandmother used to have a little pet ribbon snake that she would wrap around her wrist and wear like a bracelet. It used to freak out the other teachers when she brought it to work, but she thought it was cool.
When I was a kid, I had a ringneck snake that I took to school in my shirt pocket. Never got caught.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Q: How many US Attorney Generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.
A: I cannot recall that particular answer at this time.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the old Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink...
and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on -
even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month,
and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and very expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases year after year.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the old Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink...
and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on -
even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month,
and can be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and very expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases year after year.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
A Soldier and a Nun
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, Please, may I hide under your skirt. Ill explain later.
The nun agreed A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier? The nun replied, He went that way.
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, I cant thank you enough, sister. You see, I dont want to go to Syria.
The nun said, I understand completely.
The soldier added, I hope Im not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!
The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen another great pair. I dont want to go to Syria either.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, Please, may I hide under your skirt. Ill explain later.
The nun agreed A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier? The nun replied, He went that way.
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, I cant thank you enough, sister. You see, I dont want to go to Syria.
The nun said, I understand completely.
The soldier added, I hope Im not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!
The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen another great pair. I dont want to go to Syria either.
A balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
Sir...There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man...But let me tell you about my weekend.
Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.
At that statement the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,
By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds, I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said
Sir...There's no money in that account.
I know, said the old man...But let me tell you about my weekend.
Not All Seniors Are Senile...
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he just wanted his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he just wanted his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
The Admiral was visiting one of his ships.
When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: Thats pretty unhygienic
Cook: In that case Sir, Id suggest you skip the doughnuts. :sick:
When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ships insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.
Admiral: Thats pretty unhygienic
Cook: In that case Sir, Id suggest you skip the doughnuts. :sick:
