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Nick
In Remembrance
....
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 50 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the judge, caught us in the barn making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 50 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 50 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the judge, caught us in the barn making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 50 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today".
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
LOL! I remember that one from actual court transcripts. Medical examiner was pretty fed up with the lawyer.
There was a similar joke where a lawyer questioned why the cops had locks on their lockers. The comeback was when the cop explained that the locker room was an area where lawyers had access to.
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Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger;
the other is a fish.
A: One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger;
the other is a fish.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Nick
In Remembrance
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. Fred, the man replies.
Fred what? the officer asks.
Just Fred, the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?
The biker replies, Its a long story, so stay with me.
I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.
Fred what? the officer asks.
Just Fred, the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?
The biker replies, Its a long story, so stay with me.
I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.
I was having lunch with my mother and brother today. For some reason they started debating which one of them cooked liver better. My brother claimed his liver was superior because he cooked it with wine. At which point my mother said "I cook liver with whine. I stand over the pot and say 'waaaaaaaaaaaaaa'". LOL.
Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor.
When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.
Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks,
"Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
They decide that John should come to her house around 2 P.M. on Friday while Bill is at work.
On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.
When Bill comes home at 6 P.M., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"
"Oh hell, he knows!" she thinks to herself. Finally, she admits, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me.
He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.
Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks,
"Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
They decide that John should come to her house around 2 P.M. on Friday while Bill is at work.
On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.
When Bill comes home at 6 P.M., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"
"Oh hell, he knows!" she thinks to herself. Finally, she admits, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me.
He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, I see millions of stars.
What that tell you? asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Whats it tell you, Tonto?
You dumber than Congress. It means someone stole the tent.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, I see millions of stars.
What that tell you? asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Whats it tell you, Tonto?
You dumber than Congress. It means someone stole the tent.
Nick
In Remembrance
Finding Half a Worm !
Nick
In Remembrance
....
