Nick
In Remembrance
....
Jokes
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Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
The other day, a gentleman went to the dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"
The dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't", said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Nick
In Remembrance
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. Fred, the man replies.
Fred what? the officer asks.
Just Fred, the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?
The biker replies, Its a long story, so stay with me.
I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.
Fred what? the officer asks.
Just Fred, the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?
The biker replies, Its a long story, so stay with me.
I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.
The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.
I was having lunch with my mother and brother today. For some reason they started debating which one of them cooked liver better. My brother claimed his liver was superior because he cooked it with wine. At which point my mother said "I cook liver with whine. I stand over the pot and say 'waaaaaaaaaaaaaa'". LOL.
Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor.
When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.
Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks,
"Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
They decide that John should come to her house around 2 P.M. on Friday while Bill is at work.
On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.
When Bill comes home at 6 P.M., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"
"Oh hell, he knows!" she thinks to herself. Finally, she admits, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me.
He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.
Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks,
"Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
They decide that John should come to her house around 2 P.M. on Friday while Bill is at work.
On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.
When Bill comes home at 6 P.M., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"
"Oh hell, he knows!" she thinks to herself. Finally, she admits, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me.
He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, I see millions of stars.
What that tell you? asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Whats it tell you, Tonto?
You dumber than Congress. It means someone stole the tent.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?
The Lone Ranger replies, I see millions of stars.
What that tell you? asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorological, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Whats it tell you, Tonto?
You dumber than Congress. It means someone stole the tent.
Nick
In Remembrance
Finding Half a Worm !
Nick
In Remembrance
....
Nick
In Remembrance
Never argue with a woman. They can remember stuff that hasn't even happened yet.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a Software License agreement. In the end you have to ignore everything and click "I Agree".
Behind every woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Every time you talk with your wife, your mind should remember 'This conversation will be recorded for quality and training purposes'.
Some things are better left unsaid, but you realize that after you say them.
Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they can still hate each other.
If a woman says "First of all..." during an argument, run away because she has prepared research, data and charts, and you will be destroyed.
A wise man once said nothing.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a Software License agreement. In the end you have to ignore everything and click "I Agree".
Behind every woman stands a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
Every time you talk with your wife, your mind should remember 'This conversation will be recorded for quality and training purposes'.
Some things are better left unsaid, but you realize that after you say them.
Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they can still hate each other.
If a woman says "First of all..." during an argument, run away because she has prepared research, data and charts, and you will be destroyed.
A wise man once said nothing.
Boy, ain't these the truth!
I don't understand women. I really don't get all of the passive aggressiveness and inability to communicate. I mean, women use about twice the amount of words as men per day, yet still don't say what they mean or want directly. You are supposed to read their minds and figure out that they want you to do something for them or go somewhere or get them something. (My mother literally used to jingle her keys when we were about to pass the mailbox back in Guam rather than tell us to stop at the mailbox-- then she would become enraged. We pointed out that we never noticed the keys sound because she sometimes was getting out her house keys-- then she said that the keys made different sounds-- so she jingled each set separately and they sounded exactly the same to everyone else but her). LOL.
This is why most of my friends are male. The only female friends I have are ones who have learned how to communicate and not pull any of that stuff.
Ever have your wife/gf/female friend make a passing comment about being hungry or thirsty or something and then get all cranky and claim "I asked you to get me something to drink!" ?? LOL.
My wife will ask, where do you want to go eat? And I say, you pick and she gets mad. We have been together 34 years and it never changes. If I pick a place she complains about going there. I can't win.
I get this as well. Seems to always end with "how come you never want to go where I want to go!"
It's nice Mon. thru Thurs. She has an out-of-town class at 8 am. So I head to the truck stop for breakfast.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Wings.
A: Wings.
Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having relations?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.
A: Your honor.
