Nick
In Remembrance
....
Jokes
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I posted this on another forum, but will share it here. My uncle sent me a little newspaper article that was obviously a joke. I'll paraphrase it here.
A federal agent went to a large farm and announced to the farmer that he was going to search the property for drugs. The farmer told him that was fine bug suggested that he avoid a particular field. The agent got huffy, pulled out his badge, stuck it in the farmer's face and said "You see this ****ing badge? This means I can go wherever the **** I want and do whatever the **** I want!" (as an aside, the nitpicker in me wanted to point out that he couldn't search the premises without a warrant and a badge was meaningless). The farmer apologized and let the agent begin his search. Several minutes later he heard a scream from the aforementioned field he'd indicated. He looked up and saw the agent running for his life with a large bull chasing him. The farmer helpfully jumped up on the fence and shouted to the agent "Your BADGE! Show him your ****ing BADGE!"
A federal agent went to a large farm and announced to the farmer that he was going to search the property for drugs. The farmer told him that was fine bug suggested that he avoid a particular field. The agent got huffy, pulled out his badge, stuck it in the farmer's face and said "You see this ****ing badge? This means I can go wherever the **** I want and do whatever the **** I want!" (as an aside, the nitpicker in me wanted to point out that he couldn't search the premises without a warrant and a badge was meaningless). The farmer apologized and let the agent begin his search. Several minutes later he heard a scream from the aforementioned field he'd indicated. He looked up and saw the agent running for his life with a large bull chasing him. The farmer helpfully jumped up on the fence and shouted to the agent "Your BADGE! Show him your ****ing BADGE!"
After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
What a coincidence. I had a BLT yesterday too.
Nick
In Remembrance
What Flavor Hi ? 
Nick
In Remembrance
....
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Nick
In Remembrance
....
A redhead and a blonde were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
Blonde said, "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."
"What's that?" asks the redhead.
"Send my lawn away to be mowed."
Blonde said, "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."
"What's that?" asks the redhead.
"Send my lawn away to be mowed."
Nick
In Remembrance
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I went to a gym.
They offered me free membership for life
if I posed for a 'don't let this happen to you' poster.
They offered me free membership for life
if I posed for a 'don't let this happen to you' poster.
witch
Nick
In Remembrance
Last edited by a moderator:
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''
''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''
Nick
In Remembrance
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Nick
In Remembrance
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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then theres the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
IRS AUDITOR: Thats the guy I want to talk to the mentally challenged one.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then theres the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
IRS AUDITOR: Thats the guy I want to talk to the mentally challenged one.
Nick
In Remembrance
....
A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor examined him.
"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."
"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'
The doctor examined him.
"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."
"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'
Think of a number.
Multiply it by 5.
Now add 7 to the result.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 8.
Subtract 6.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes.
Dark, isn't it?
Multiply it by 5.
Now add 7 to the result.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 8.
Subtract 6.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes.
Dark, isn't it?
~ Price of gas in France ~
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh."
See if you have De Gaulle to tell this story to someone else.
I told it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh."
See if you have De Gaulle to tell this story to someone else.
I told it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
