Jokes

[Floorist]

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one.
They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out.

The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try.

We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”

 

[Floorist]

Not PC, but oh well.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?

 

[Floorist]

Three blondes die and go to St. Peter. He says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven."

He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "That's the time of the year when our whole family gets together and we eat turkey."

St. Peter says to the next blonde, "What is Easter?"

She answers, "That's the time of year when the fat jolly guy comes down the chimney and our family gets together to open presents."

St. Peter asks the third blonde, "What is Easter?"

She says, "That's when Christ died and they put him in a tomb behind a rock."

"That's right!" exclaims St. Peter.

"Then, once a year," continues the third blonde, "we roll the stone away and he comes out, and if he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of winter."

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

http://www.ranker.com/list/funny-license-plates/samantha-dillinger

 

[Floorist]

I don't like either one but thought this was funny.

 

[Nick]

............

Good One.

 

[Nick]

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[highup]

Ha.............. friend of mine shared this one.

 

[zannej]

That skeleton one reminds me of another one.

And then there's this:

And this because I was reminded of it since my brother was out until 5am with some friends playing Pokemon Go.

 

[Nick]

She sounds like a fun date . Phew !

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

This is what all of you 70+ year-olds, and yet-to-be kids have to look forward to!!
This is something that happened at an assisted living center.


The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.


An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.


When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

 

[Floorist]

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.


Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.


The pastor asked the woman,
"Can you tell us why you came forward?
What do you have to say?"


The woman replied,
"We can't hear youin the back."

 

[Floorist]

Two young stock clerks in Florida were sitting down for a break in

a soon-to-be new store in a shopping mall. As yet, the store's

merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.



One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is

going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're

selling."



Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up

to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then

in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"



One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."



Without skipping a beat, the old timer said,



"You must be doing well. Only two left."