Jokes

[Floorist]

The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s**t!''

In Arkansas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.'

 

[Floorist]

A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.

The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."

The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"

The psychic says, "In biology class."

 

[Floorist]

heh heh

 

[Floorist]

For Havasu

 

[Floorist]

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves.
The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."

The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?"
The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."

The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."

The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The momma cow says, "Quiet, Cinderblock

 

[Don Monfils]

That's a good one Rusty!

 

[Floorist]

I knew someone would find a name for
our election process for this year.



ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become
aroused over any of the choices for President, put
forth by either party in the 2016
election year.

 

[havasu]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the
curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I
am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but
I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog
attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the
second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and
thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Floorist]

The IRS returned the tax return to a man in New Jersey because of an incorrect answer to one of the questions.

In response to the question, “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”, the man wrote: “9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington."

The IRS stated that the answer he gave was unacceptable!

The man responded back, “Who did I leave out?”

 

[DarisMulkin]

On the first day at the new senior complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?”

Daris

 

[Floorist]

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to name them or get emotionally involved

 

[Floorist]

Health insurance application

 

[havasu]

Obamacare? LOL

 

[DennisT]

Health insurance application

c. Not that I'm aware of.

 

[Darol Wester]

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.


The Russians used a pencil.


Your taxes are due again!

 

[Ernesto]

When NASA started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.


The Russians used a pencil.


Your taxes are due again!

http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp

"The "space pen" that has since become famous through its use by astronauts was developed independently by Paul C. Fisher of the Fisher Pen Co., who spent his own money on the project and, once he perfected his AG-7 "Anti-Gravity" Space Pen, offered it to NASA. After that agency tested and approved the pen's suitability for use in space flights, they purchased a number of the instruments from Fisher for a modest price."

 

[Floorist]

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?













A pouch potato

 

[Darol Wester]

http://www.snopes.com/business/genius/spacepen.asp

"The "space pen" that has since become famous through its use by astronauts was developed independently by Paul C. Fisher of the Fisher Pen Co., who spent his own money on the project and, once he perfected his AG-7 "Anti-Gravity" Space Pen, offered it to NASA. After that agency tested and approved the pen's suitability for use in space flights, they purchased a number of the instruments from Fisher for a modest price."

Yeah, I usually check with snopes, but was lazy on this one.

 

[Floorist]

https://www.facebook.com/LaughingSi...0161343141685/581134128711071/?type=3&theater