Jokes

[Floorist]

New Senior's Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?




2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?












6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ....










ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ








1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years




2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador




3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses




4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November




5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur




6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs




7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert




8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson




9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand




10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)




What do you mean, you failed?





Me, too!

 

[Floorist]

CATS


1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats

 

[havasu]

Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size
as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door.

Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat
'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase."

 

[Floorist]

Q: What's a wok?



A: Something you throw at a wascally wabbit.

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?



A: She threw away all the W&W'

 

[DarisMulkin]

Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for President:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton.
The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to November of this election year, voters must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me.
I simply blew it".

Daris

 

[Floorist]

Q: What's the top prize in the blonde lottery?


A: $20 a year for a million years.

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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[Jon]

............

And I thought about visiting you one day

 

[Floorist]

And I thought about visiting you one day

I would put it away for you.

 

[Nick]

Careful Jon, He's been teaching the kids to shoot Guns .

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

Open Carry

 

[Floorist]

A guy and his buddy are travelling on the "Jersey" turnpike when they get stopped by a trooper running radar. The trooper approaches the driver and as the driver rolls his window down he is immediately struck in the head by the troopers flashlight. "What was that for?" asked the driver. The trooper replied,"here in New Jersey, when you are stopped by a cop you better have your driving credentials ready when a cop walks up to your car." The driver apoligized stating that he was not from the area as the trooper walked back to his cruiser to issue a summons. The trooper then re-approached the driver and gave him his credentials back and then proceeded over to the passenger side and motioned for the passenger to roll his window down. Upon doing so, the passenger was immediately struck in the head by the troopers flashlight as well. "What did you do that for?" screamed the man. " I'm just making your wish come true" replied the trooper. "How are you making my wish come true?" asked the man. "Well",the trooper replied, "I know that two miles down the road from here you would've said to your buddy,"I wish that trooper would have tried that crap on me!"

 

[Floorist]

So true for flooring installers.

 

[Floorist]

Three Holy Men and a Bear
>
> A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains
> to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
> Peninsula of Michigan.
>
> They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
> shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
> all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
>
> One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
each go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
> convert it to their religion.
>
> Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
>
> Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
> various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
>
> 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
> found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
>
> Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
> So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
> God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
> give him first communion and confirmation.'
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
> both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
>
> In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers,
> you
> KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
> And
> then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
>
> So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill,
> UP
> another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
> and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle
> as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!
>
> The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
> in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
> running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
>
> The Rabbi looked up and said:
>
> "Looking back on it, ....
>
> circumcision may not have
> been the best way to start.":-[