Jokes

[Floorist]

CATS


1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats

 

[Floorist]

Q: What's a wok?



A: Something you throw at a wascally wabbit.

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?



A: She threw away all the W&W'

 

[DarisMulkin]

Monica Lewinsky released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for President:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton.
The last Clinton Presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to November of this election year, voters must remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job, she outsourced it to me.
I simply blew it".

Daris

 

[Floorist]

Q: What's the top prize in the blonde lottery?


A: $20 a year for a million years.

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

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[Jon]

............

And I thought about visiting you one day

 

[Floorist]

And I thought about visiting you one day

I would put it away for you.

 

[Nick]

Careful Jon, He's been teaching the kids to shoot Guns .

 

[Floorist]

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[Floorist]

Open Carry

 

[Floorist]

So true for flooring installers.

 

[Floorist]

Three Holy Men and a Bear
>
> A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains
> to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper
> Peninsula of Michigan.
>
> They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
> shop.
>
> One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
> all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
>
> One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would
each go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to
> convert it to their religion.
>
> Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
>
> Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
> various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
>
> 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
> found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
>
> Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
> So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of
> God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to
> give him first communion and confirmation.'
>
> Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and
> both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
>
> In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers,
> you
> KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
> And
> then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
>
> So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill,
> UP
> another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him
> and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle
> as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!
>
> The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying
> in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors
> running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
>
> The Rabbi looked up and said:
>
> "Looking back on it, ....
>
> circumcision may not have
> been the best way to start.":-[

 

[Floorist]

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really, really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandma?"
"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"

 

[Floorist]

Sleeping Beauty, Hercules and Don Juan are sitting around a table discussing who the best person in the world is.
Sleeping Beauty claims that she is the best because she is the most beautiful person in the world.

Hercules claims that he is the best because he is the strongest person in the world.

Don Juan claims that he is the best because he has loved the most women in the world.

So they decide to go speak to the wise man and see who is the best.
They agree to go in alone so as not to be embarassed in front of the others.

Sleepy Beauty goes in first and came out smiling.
She says that she truly is the most beautiful person in the world.

Hercules goes in next and also came out smiling.
He says that he truly is the strongest person in all the world.

Don Juan goes in last but when he comes out he is very angry and confused.


He exclaims,''Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?''

 

[Floorist]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what
looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS genie."
She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no
transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.