My old Ford Falcon was getting just about as bad
Jokes
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Ignore the terrible grammar
Teacher: Children, what does a hen give you?
Children: Eggs!
- Excellent! and what does a pig give you?
Children: Bacon!
- Excellent again! and what does a fat cow give you?
Children: Too much homework...
Children: Eggs!
- Excellent! and what does a pig give you?
Children: Bacon!
- Excellent again! and what does a fat cow give you?
Children: Too much homework...
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Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay..'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay..'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
I guess that answers the question.
got my face masks ready.
People are just gonna eat those up.
Bada Boom!
Strange Cemetery Noise
A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!".
Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it.
He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates.
As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him.
It was a dog with a hare lip.
A fellow was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!".
Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it.
He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates.
As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him.
It was a dog with a hare lip.
In memory of Nick:
Why I Mow My Own Lawn:
Lee Trevino: a true story, and a legendary golfer, you gotta love him. He deserves an Eagle for this one.
Lee, a married man, was at his home in Dallas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house,
lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English? ”
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do.”
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
Why I Mow My Own Lawn:
Lee Trevino: a true story, and a legendary golfer, you gotta love him. He deserves an Eagle for this one.
Lee, a married man, was at his home in Dallas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house,
lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English? ”
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do.”
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her.”
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.
Thats a good'n. 
A man is walking to work one morning deep in thoughts...when the devil jumps in front of him.
Devil: Do you know who I am?
Man: Yes.
Devil: Are you shaking in your shoes now?
Man: No.
D: I can make your life a living hell in a second.
Man: It already is.
D: I can make it worse.
M: so?
D: I don't understand why you're so blase...
M: Because I've been married to your sister for 40 years.
Devil: Do you know who I am?
Man: Yes.
Devil: Are you shaking in your shoes now?
Man: No.
D: I can make your life a living hell in a second.
Man: It already is.
D: I can make it worse.
M: so?
D: I don't understand why you're so blase...
M: Because I've been married to your sister for 40 years.
