Jokes

[Nick]

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[zannej]

Conversation on FB the morning after we worked on my friend's house and kept hearing what sounded like a very large rat squawking at us from the wall.

 

[Nick]

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, “Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.”

The priest tells the sinner, “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys.”

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months.”

This time the priest asks,”Who is Nookie Green?”

“A new woman in the neighborhood,” the sinner replies.

“Very well, ” sighs the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Marys.”

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary. All the men’s eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, “Is that Nookie Green?”

The bug-eyed altar boy replies, “No, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes.”

 

[Floorist]

corn

 

[Floorist]

Woman walks by the bathroom, sees man standing on scale sucking in his stomach.

She says " That is not going to help".
He says " Sure it does, It's the only way that I can see the numbers

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[highup]

I feel like that today....... I'd use a cane but my arm hurts too.

 

[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[Nick]

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[highup]

My life seems to reside in desserts............. Not as yummy as they sound.

 

[Floorist]

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: only one; but she has to do it while you are eating dinner.

 

[Nick]

 

[Don Monfils]

That’s pretty good Nick 👍🏿