Jokes

[Nick]

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening.”

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realized she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 cent pieces out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change.”

Just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

 

[highup]

Those are eye watering good.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

.....

 

[DarisMulkin]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"

Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

:camping:

Daris

 

[Nick]

After being married for Fifty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"


The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles

 

[zannej]

Q: Why does the Norwegian Navy put barcodes on the sides of their vessels?
A: So when the ships come in to port, they can Scandinavian!

 

[Floorist]

Two Polish hunters named Stosh and Thad, hired a pilot to fly them into the Canadian wilderness, where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.



The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."




Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded.

However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness. Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stosh and Thad survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Thad asked Stosh, "Any idea where we are?"

Stosh replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

[DarisMulkin]

Men's lesson - you just can't win ...

This guy wanted a boat more than anything.
His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway.
"I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale"

:army:

Daris

 

[Floorist]

A friend of mine is addicted to brake fluid, but he’s confident he can stop at any time.

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

....

 

[Nick]

....

 

[DarisMulkin]

Got this from Jon.

MONEY HAS DIFFERENT NAMES!

In temple or church, it's called donation.
In school, it's fee.
In marriage, it's called dowry.
In divorce, alimony.
When you owe someone, it's debt.
When you pay the government, it's tax.
In court, it's fines.
Civil servant retirees, it's pension.
Employer to workers, it's salary.
Master to subordinates, it's wages.
To children, it's allowance.
When you borrow from bank, it's loan.
When you offer after a good service, it's tips.
To kidnappers, it's ransom.
Illegally received in the name of service, it's bribe.
The question is:"When a husband gives to his wife, what do we call it?".
Answer: Money given to your wife is called DUTY, and every man has to
do his duty because wives are not DUTY-FREE !!!...

:shooting:

Daris

 

[Jon]

Daris Why didn't you post the Christmas Cookies one I sent you?

 

[DarisMulkin]

Daris Why didn't you post the Christmas Cookies one I sent you?

Dirty old man. I ate them. They are all gone I need more.

:camping:

Daris

 

[Nick]

.....

 

[zannej]

Can't remember if I did this one or not-- saw a site full of punny jokes. Only one I can remember at the moment:

Q. What was Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
A. Haaaaand Eeeeeeeyeeeee