Jokes

[Ernesto]

My father told me that he saw the Titanic and that from the very beginning, he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody would listen to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again and again, on many occasions, until they finally kicked him out of the theater!

 

[Ernesto]

 

[havasu]

Ern, you wearing your Nikes today?

 

[highup]

Ern, you wearing your Nikes today?

Funny how were fighting the British for our independence using tools of war for 5 years after 1776, and we celebrate our victory with a parade showing off our military........... and that bothers some people. We didn't win because we were pushovers. We are proud of out mighty military power. Ever see a 4th of July parade without veterans and Jeeps? ....me neither.

 

[highup]

My father told me that he saw the Titanic and that from the very beginning, he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody would listen to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again and again, on many occasions, until they finally kicked him out of the theater!

Ya had me for a second........ I was thinkin', how old is Ern?

 

[Ernesto]

Funny how were fighting the British for our independence using tools of war for 5 years after 1776, and we celebrate our victory with a parade showing off our military........... and that bothers some people. We didn't win because we were pushovers. We are proud of out mighty military power. Ever see a 4th of July parade without veterans and Jeeps? ....me neither.

The thing is Trump just wants his ugly mug in the news every day which is why he hijacked the 4th. Has any other president done that? Fenced i t off just for his goon friends and collect money for his campaign? Disgusting.
And maybe no one noticed but were broke and in debt up to our eyeballs. He stole the money from the parks. If anything he could have - should have collected money for homeless vets.

 

[Ernesto]

Ern, you wearing your Nikes today?

I saw what you posted earlier Hav, thanks for changing it and no I don't wear Nikes, they don't fit my feet right.

 

[Floorist]

When my Lady starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work ,

so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

 

[Floorist]

 

[zannej]

The "singing" bit reminded me of a poem in a book by Mercedes Lackey. She used to write about paladins who had magical horses that could read their thoughts (or something like that). I read them back in the 80s.

Excerpts from the poem:
It was a dark and stormy night - or so the Heralds say -
And lightning striking constantly transformed the night to day.
The thunder roared the castle round - or thusly runs the tale -
And rising from the Northeast Tower there came a fearful wail.

It was no beast or banshee that, the castle folk knew well,
Nor prisoner in agony, nor demon trapped by spell,
No ghost that moaned in penance, nor soul in mortal fright -
'Twas just the Countess "singing" - for she practiced every night.
....
It was a dark and stormy night - or so the Bards aver -
And so perhaps that was the reason why there was no stir
When suddenly the "music" ceased; and when Dawn raised his head
Within the Tower servants found the Countess stiff and dead.
...
At length the Heralds then pronounced her death as "suicide".
And all within the district voiced themselves quite satisfied.
It was a verdict, after all, that none wished to refute -
Though no one could imagine why she'd try to eat her lute.

I can usually only remember the first two parts and the last line.

 

[Floorist]

 

[DarisMulkin]

The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”

The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”

The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”

 

[highup]

View attachment 9604

..........that would be me.

 

[zannej]

I wish I could find the cartoon again but the gist was a man was telling his wife "Come to bed, honey. It's late" and she was replying "I can't! Someone is wrong on the internet!!!" It was something my brother-in-law linked to my sister.

 

[Floorist]

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special--$99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special please."

The agent says "Yes, ma'am", then he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her onto a large innertube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money and asks for the $99 special. She too is sent floating down river. Drifting in stronger current she catches up with the first blonde.

Drifting side by side for a while, the first blonde asks "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year."

 

[Floorist]

 

[DarisMulkin]

 

[DarisMulkin]

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office..

"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

 

[Floorist]

My truck left me

No one believes me.. what can I say....my Truck .has left me .she ran away......I love her fenders.. her bright head lights we never argued we didn't fight...... now she's gone I'm all alone....she even took ..my new cell phon

 

[Floorist]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers,

'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'