Jokes
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That's a sense of humor if I ever saw one.
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
Haha!
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A retired Navy Chief's wife was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking United," was the reply. "We got a great rate!
“United!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Thair River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope." ??
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who messed up your hair?
Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking United," was the reply. "We got a great rate!
“United!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Thair River
called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up
to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot."
"And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling
job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't get to see the Pope." ??
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me."
"Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who messed up your hair?
A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don't want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don't need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”
The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want.
Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”
Psychiatrist: “Right ... That's why you need a husband “
The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want.
Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won't work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame? Will you blame Yourself?”
Woman: “NO!!!”
Psychiatrist: “Right ... That's why you need a husband “
A New York attorney, representing a wealthy art collector, called and asked to speak to his client.
"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million...and I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she ? You've just made my day.
Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it ?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
"Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million...and I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow !! Well done !! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she ? You've just made my day.
Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it ?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please God...let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. And again she prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. And again she prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"
LOL! Reminds me how my grandfather needed a new car & was just sitting there praying & praying over and over to find a new car & my grandmother finally said "Ray, God isn't going to just walk up & hand you the keys to a car & tell you it's yours! You have to actually LOOK for one!"
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“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off”........Stephen King
Just remember, don't let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird ass.
A favorite while in law enforcement was, "Don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash!"
Havasu, that reminds me of a video I saw where some racist a-hole went up & started harassing & threatening a pregnant woman. I can't remember (or am not sure if they said what instigated it) but he was getting up in her face & threatening her. Another man walked up & told the guy to back off & leave the woman alone. Racist guy (who was shouting racial slurs at them) took a swing at him & shoved him. The other guy gave him one punch to the face & next thing you know, the racist was looking shocked & shrieking to anyone that would listen "He hit me!!" Then the person holding the camera commented "He done wrote a check his ass couldn't cash!"
And now on to something my uncle fwd to me.
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's will.
At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the Baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
And now on to something my uncle fwd to me.
The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's will.
At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the Baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
