Jokes

[Floorist]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please God...let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. And again she prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

 

[zannej]

LOL! Reminds me how my grandfather needed a new car & was just sitting there praying & praying over and over to find a new car & my grandmother finally said "Ray, God isn't going to just walk up & hand you the keys to a car & tell you it's yours! You have to actually LOOK for one!"

-

 

[Floorist]

“When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off”........Stephen King

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

Just remember, don't let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird ass.

 

[havasu]

A favorite while in law enforcement was, "Don't write a check with your mouth that your ass can't cash!"

 

[zannej]

Havasu, that reminds me of a video I saw where some racist a-hole went up & started harassing & threatening a pregnant woman. I can't remember (or am not sure if they said what instigated it) but he was getting up in her face & threatening her. Another man walked up & told the guy to back off & leave the woman alone. Racist guy (who was shouting racial slurs at them) took a swing at him & shoved him. The other guy gave him one punch to the face & next thing you know, the racist was looking shocked & shrieking to anyone that would listen "He hit me!!" Then the person holding the camera commented "He done wrote a check his ass couldn't cash!"

And now on to something my uncle fwd to me.

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's will.
At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the Baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

 

[Floorist]

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?


A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

 

[Floorist]

 

[zannej]

I'll have to share the dwarf one with my brother.

 

[Floorist]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

 

[Floorist]

 

[DarisMulkin]

 

[Floorist]

 

[Floorist]

No open carry at Walmart. No guys in speedos with a coonskin cap and flip flops with guns. Gonna miss that.

 

[DarisMulkin]

 

[Floorist]

 

[zannej]

LOL! Squirrel Helper reminds me of the time my class took a field trip to DC & the White House. There were squirrels on the lawn & while we were standing outside the security checkpoint to be let in for the tour, we started calling to them & saying "Here gumbo gumbo gumbo".

 

[Floorist]

Squirrel is good. but I like rabbit a lot better.

 

[Floorist]

Besides squirrel and rabbit, I have eaten deer, elk, bear, beaver, coon, possum, turtle and rattlesnake. And probably others as a kid.